On double fisting, reading the obits, and Catholic guilt

I am an American.

But . . . I was created from the sperm and eggs of two really cool cultures going many generations back, the Germans and the Irish. Both like to drink, both have a dark side in their history, and both are in Europe. I will say this though--the Germans are pretty much over Hitler. The Irish, however, still are bitching that the English oppressed them for 800 long years. The Irish are scrappy, stubborn and have a chip on their shoulder, which can be fun, because like fat chicks, they try harder in bed.

As a kid, I indentified more with my Irish side, because I always felt guilty about something and I read the obits in the Lawrence Eagle Tribune starting at age 8. I blame my mom (she's the Irish one). My dad's family is German, and they carry around no baggage and don't reminisce about the past unless it's in a really positive manner, like when my late great Grandpa Simons would talk about the time he slept in Edgar Allen Poe's bed in college or when my dad met Michelle Phillips from the Mamas and the Papas. My mother, on the other hand, would regale me with tales about how 3 of my Papa's brothers died before they reached 18. She would also play a game where she would pretend not to know me. When I was 4. And the sad thing is I loved all of this.

Despite my obsession with drama, I was loved and my parents were and are good parents. I have a little bit of baggage, but mostly because my mom let me get a perm in sixth grade but not my sister, so I was stuck with a fro for 12 months while my sister was skinny and bitchy. What a drag. But I do get that I had a great childhood.

Tha said, I also have always had this really bizarre fascination with the macabre. And not so much that I turned Goth or wrote poetry in blood or listened to Nirvana nonstop, but rather that, well . . . .

I took out a really embarrassing book from the library today.

I am not often ashamed of anything I do. But today I decided to get a library card from the Queens Public Library. I was perusing the shelves and what should I come across but a book I didn't even think was published!

"If I Did It" by OJ Simpson!

This to me is like the Holy Grail of books. Also kind of like Mein Kampf in that you don't want anyone to know that you bought it because then you hate Jews or might become a terrorist. But I have been excited about this book since 2006. I even wrote about it in my Xmas letter after I found out its publication was cancelled:

I am so angry they cancelled the book and interview! Now, I know that sounds trashy and it is, but then again I read the Post every day so what do you expect. I was really looking forward to self-righteously watching the interview on Fox, shaking my head the whole time while IM-ing my brother back in MA, typing “I can’t believe he said that! What do u think? Lol!” I wouldn’t have bought the book because the Juice can’t have my money, but I was planning on going to a Barnes and Noble on a Saturday afternoon and reading it in their café while taking up space and not buying anything (I worked there for a year, I earned the right to be a freeloader) while simultaneously shaking my head self-righteously. Now I won’t have the chance to do this.


So now I do have the chance and I am thrilled.

And I realize, I am American.

But I'm also really Irish.